Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset in Parenting

How to Response to Our Children’s Failure*

Fixed mindset and Growth mindset is a concept discussed in the book “Mindset”[1] written by Carol Dweck, a professor of Psychology at Stanford University. In brief, the author proposes the idea of “a fixed mindset” and “a growth mindset, ” stating that people with a fixed mindset believe human qualities such as intellectual skills and emotional capacities are carved in stone and do not change, which often results in limiting believes in various aspects of their lives; people with a growth mindset believe human qualities can be developed and cultivated, which leads to positive attitude toward challenges and failures in life. She explains how this concept can be used in parenting, teaching, mentoring and coaching at home, school, and work settings. 

As parents, we always want the best for our children and provide the best advice when our children face challenges or failures. Depending on how we response to the situation, we can deliver fixed-mindset messages implying “you have permanent traits and there’s not much you can do.” Or we can deliver growth-mindset messages implying, “you have a great potential and I am committed to support your growth.”  

Here is an example;

9-year-old Alyson was on the way to her first dance competition. She has been training for this competition past 3 months, and felt confident about winning. She was told that she has the right body and talent for dance, and she was the best dancer in her group. This was the first competition for her, but she felt confident. She thought she would win the competition and even saved a spot in her room to place the first-place trophy. 

In the beginning of the competition, she was in the first place, but ended up being placed a third place. She did not get the first-place trophy and felt defeated and discouraged. 

What would you do if you were Alyson’s parents?

1. Tell Alyson you thought she was the best. 

2. Tell her the judges were not fair.

3. Reassure her that dance is not that important. 

4. Tell her she has the ability and will win next time.

5. Tell her that sometimes we loose, but she can win next time if she needs to work harder. 

Which mindset does each answer implies and what message does each answer delivers?

1. Tell Alyson you thought she was the best. 

This may sound true to you and to your daughter, but it may not be true. This response does not give Alyson any guidance how to reflect or improve. 

2. Tell her the judges were not fair.

This response places blame on others. Most of the time, the reason why the child does not win is because of their performance. Do you want her to grow up blaming others for the result?

3. Reassure her that dance is not that important. 

This response teaches her to devalue something if she does not do well at the first try. Think about if this is the message that you’d like to teach to your child. 

4. Tell her she has the ability and will win next time.

This response contradicts in itself and teaches her fixed mindset. Why didn’t she win the first competition if she has the ability? If she does not win next time, she does not have the ability? It teaches her a fixed-mindset that ability is already given to us and will automatically take us to our goal regardless of our passion, effort or hard work. 

5. Tell her that sometimes we lose, and if she wants to win next time, she will have to work harder.  

This response conveys the real-life lesson that we don’t win all the time, and we need to work hard if we really want to get something we want. In real life, it often takes more than just hard work in order to succeed. But this response teaches a growth mindset for our children to take the failure as a learning opportunity, not as a sign to give up.  

We, as parents, want to teach our children how to learn from their failures and try to do what it takes to succeed in the future. In addition, the author says, “if parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning.” 

Fixed-mindset creates the environment to feel limited, judged and discouraged. Growth mindset creates the environment to be who they truly are and free to explore to be the best version of themselves without judgement.

Which environment would you like to create for your children?

Footnote:

* This article is written by special requests from physician parents. 

1. “Mindset, the new psychology of success.” Carol S. Dweck. Random House, Updated in Feb 28, 2016