How to Feel Grief

Yesterday, I received heartbreaking news about the death of an old friend of my son. We did not get any details about what happened, but I immediately felt extremely sad, heart-broken, desperate, and lost. I felt anxious and fearful from the thought of losing my own children.

It reminded me of all the significant loss that I have experienced in the past including my own brother’s sudden death by a car accident, my friend’s unexpected loss of her daughter, and my son’s loss of another friend during high school. I also remembered how much pain my parents went through when they lost their son.

I used to think negative feelings such as sadness or grief are bad, and tried to avoid or hide them. When my brother died in Korea while I was in a medical school in the US, I did not know what to do. My parents wanted me to stay in school and focus on studying. I used to be so upset that my parents did not allow me to attend his funeral until I understood that it was because they were trying to protect me from being heartbroken by seeing my brother pass, and also probably could not bear their own pain from delaying the funeral until I could arrange a trip back to Korea. I believe that was their best way of coping with their tremendous pain and sadness at that time.

With time and life experiences, I have learned that negative feelings can be good and healthy when they are processed properly. When I lost my brother, I was angry, devastated, and frustrated. But I also felt ashamed and upset with myself about being sad and grieving. Now 15 years later, when I heard about the loss of my son’s friend yesterday, I allowed myself to accept my sadness and being heartbroken. I let myself cry and share the tears with my son. I felt sad and heartbroken, but I did not dwell on anger, resentment, or fear.

By accepting sadness and grieving process, I felt more humane and compassionate towards the parents and the loss of young life. Instead of feeling angry and frustrated with what life throws at us, I was able to focus on being grateful for the young short life that brought so much joy and blessing to his parents, friends and people around him. If I had spent more time on resisting the feelings of sadness and grief, I may have felt more angry, upset, resentful, and fearful.

It seems natural to feel angry, upset, resentful, and fearful during grieving process.

But it is more powerful, and beautiful to know that we can be compassionate and graceful towards ourselves and others around the loss of loved ones by choosing to accept the grief.

This is how we can experience even negative feelings of loss, and expand the full spectrum of what life can offer to us.